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It's about that time that I started seeing the pain for the first time. I don't mean that in the "The numb wore off" way, I mean that progressively the room started getting stranger. The people were amassing, their injurys great. Men with tails were crawling up through the floorboards which had replaced the tile in my mind. One was looking at me.

It's head was twitching, and I was starting to sweat. Analytical, but terrified. It crawled out of the floor, arms made of candy canes, its head a blur. It was just before he touched me that I saw some of the other oddities appearing from my pain. The people in the room appeared to be growing extra arms from their stomaches; little ones that tickled the insides of their shirts and were boneless. They lapped at the innards of clothing, and formed little wet spots on the stomaches of the attendees. Off at the other side of the room, which was now looking to be about a quarter mile long, a large, pudgy woman in white scrubs called to me, pointing

"It's your turn, honey, your turn!" She repeated over and over again. The record of her voice sped up, it was faster and faster until she became a chipmonk to my ears. The candy man crawling across the floor, a detached torso, seemed to have blinked back a few feet from my exposed toes and extra-chunky leg. I turned my hover round sharply to the right, and really torqued it forward. It was miles and miles to the other side of the room, and everything was purple, then blue, then purple, then a pale green. The walls were closing in, breathing. The candy was delicious and it was on everything. Candy so tasty, I thought to myself.

It was as the nurse called for assistance that I realized that both one, I had traveled directly into a wall at speed, turning my leg a full half turn, and that I seemed to have been sucking on the wall for quite some time. I detached my lips with a pop, and sat back in my hover round. The display must have been something, because all the little green men that were in the room were looking at me real funny. The dinosaur came back with her unicorn pals, and they lifted me from my chariot. I floated on a bumpy rainbow to a cloud, where the candy came back to my lungs and the walls started breathing again. It was so delicious. Barney was leaning over me now, and he kept poking my arm with tubes. I told him about how there were too many tubes, and how a dinosaur can't know that many tubes and what they're for, but he started singing so I gave up.

The morning was flavorless, and it seemed that my leg was now pointing forward and immobile. I was really bummed, the candy was so damn good. The worst part was that I couldn't find my orange juice. I really love my orange juice, you see, and without it I don't feel quite right in the morning. A little dazed, really.

And that's why I didn't get out of bed for 34 days. A man without his morning liquid and no candy cannot be expected to remain mobile, better yet "Wake up". The dreams got real good too; real lucid. I got to fly all over the world, it felt like google maps, but in HD. Some of the buildings came right up to meet me, and a lot of them talked. For 34 days.

The problem with that is that hospitals are like really expensive hotels. I got myself a nice tab upon waking up, just short of a fat eight hundred large. Needless to say I laid back down immediately, and continued my "Comatose state".

The third time I blinked awake, my foot worked. I stood up immediately, and fell just as quickly. I was quite the limp bunch of muscles; I couldn't walk right, talk right, everything was floppy, and some important parts felt a little bit less effective as well. The great part was that I had no control of my floppy state.

Have you ever had that feeling when you've been laying on your hand while you were sleeping and it went a long ways beyond just "Being asleep"? When, as you wake, you realize that you cannot really push hard into your palm without giggling at the effort? It was a similar horrible and compromising situation; the same thing, but everywhere. My legs were jerky, flopping side to side and maintaining a disappointing tone with me.

"No James, there's no way in hell I'm going to both step there and then support your weight."

Sounded like every woman I'd ever dated.

"